Fuzzy Thinking

some mornings i wake up

2012-01-25T10:39:00.000-08:00

some mornings i wake up and i wonder why it has to start with a phone call from a woman that supposedly loves me, telling me how much she's angry with me for NOT calling her the night before. for NOT taking the initiative to tell her i'm home safe and i'm going to bed. for NOT spending time with her when we had previously discussed the day before that there was clearly something wrong and she didn't want to talk about it. and now that she's ready to talk about it, it's too late. because i didn't answer my phone while i was passed out. then she finds a perfectly logical explanation to throw in my face, telling me it's my fault i decided to drink for a month straight because i couldn't bare the pain of having her left me to another country because according to her, she couldn't forgive herself for what she had done to me. because i was being an asshole. because i don't wake up every single day wanting to spend every single moment with her and simply doing what ever it takes just to be with her. because for some strange reason, i calm her down. because for some strange reason, not only do i calm her down, i cause her the opposite effect. i enrage her with my blatant selfish nature. to want to spend time with my family. my family flawed or not, they are my family and i will help them to grow and to make something of themselves. i cannot force anyone to be what i want them to be but i sure as hell can inspire them and encourage them to be positive contributors to society and most importantly positive contributors to our family. family is the most important aspect of life to me. i am nothing with my family. my family has made me who i am today. my friends have helped shape me. and i simply want you to be a part of my growth. only you seem to want only me. it is my understanding that in marriage we take on each other. our families merge and become one. some manage to get along great and the two families learn and/or live cohesively. i fear ours will never see eye to eye. you see my brothers as a failure in life. you see them as saying fuck you to my parents. and you see my parents too laid back and incapable of exacting discipline. you have no respect for my family and our values. you have no respect for my own. you take pills to mask your insecurity instead of confronting them. i used to drink to celebrate with my friends. to unwind and have simple and fun conversations. to interact with people of interest with different perspectives in life, to learn a new point of view and perhaps to add to my own collective knowledge of how better to navigate this world. you're only mindset ever leads to the same conclusion. spend every single living moment with your partner. regardless of the consequences. and when you aren't spending time with your significant other, you grow anxious, angry, and distraught with your inability to control the universe around you. you pop another pill so you won't have to confront the hurt before you. i know. i consumed alcohol in the same way. alcohol helps me forget the pain. alcohol helps me forget. but sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it just makes things worse. i shut down people around me. i mistreat the ones i love. i mistreat myself. i have no desire to enact ill will toward anyone. even in my drunken stupor. i just wish to forget the pain that i have inflicted on others and myself.

last night's conversation with my brothers was quite enlightening. i have no desire to wish or act malevolently toward anyone. i don't have it in me. but when a specific person came into the foray, i wished every ounce of my frustration to let loose on him. to make him feel the physical pain i have felt emotionally. whether it was his fault or not, i had chosen him. had he been present i doubt there could have been words of reason that could quell my thirst for blood. i don't believe i have it in me to kill another human being unless i truly believed he/she was pure evil and it came down to him/her or me surviving. that is the natural order of things. to take a life, is to give up one's life for the other. this is what i believe. marriage is not unlike this same principal. to give up one's life for another. i don't know if i am ready. i but i know who i want to be ready for you. and i want to keep working for it.

consumed in flame

2012-01-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

i'm so sorry.
sometimes the only thing you can do with a raging wildfire is watch it burn. it's too hot to clear fire lines. no amount of water will squelch the flames. and the unrelenting wind refuses to surrender it's harrowing howl.
i love you she said.

i've already burned alive he said.
she couldn't hear him. she loved him too much.

his finale.

thanks. maybe i'll listen to yours and my own logic instead of listening to the gaping fucking void where once my heart used to reside. because i've already burned it to ash in the flames of my descent into my own personal hell. i'm truly sorry for dragging you down with me. self sacrifice looks real promising right now. at least then you can find a real man. someone who won't treat you so wretchedly as i've treated you. someone worthy of your love. a drink sounds real promising right now. that and a knife to the gut. simple thrust and movement first to the left and if i can bare it, a tug to the right. i rsvp'd the invitation myself. time to show up fashionably late to the party.

it's really really really difficult to come back from there alone. i usually have to find myself at the bottom of the bottle before i realize i need to pull myself back out. you helped me put the bottle down before i got started.

First Night sober

2012-01-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to note my first night sober in a month. I hope it isn't the last. Maybe I can finally start to be okay with the decisions we made.

... didn't last long did it? I know I'll pull through. I have already started to. I believe in me.

Sobriety is overrated!

2012-01-10T20:52:00.001-08:00

One day I will sober up. One day I will love again. I pray one day I will let you go. One day.. I will sober up. I hope my liver gives out so I can continue to be happy. Otherwise I fear I may kill myself. Cheers. To giving up on my dreams. To giving up on myself. I guess I'll learn just how far my body will take me. Maybe I'll find rest tonight. Maybe I'll get sober.
Who am I kidding? I'm a drinker. That's what I do.

Is it possible?

2012-01-09T13:15:00.001-08:00

Is it possible I was only weeping for the coming sacrifice? For knowing I let go of the greatest pleasure in my known universe. I would. I would give us up. Only with the knowledge that it only gets better. I promised it only gets better. It only ever has gotten better with you. I have hoped my promise might come true. For selfish reasons alone. I wish I was not selfish. It hurts too much.
I no longer wish to be vindicated by you. I have no more desire to be defined by your ideals. Mine are just as valid. And if I am proven poorly, let me be the first to acknowledge my error. I love you so much it hurts. I loved K unconditionally. Unbeknownst to her, it is my fault. Letting her go is the most selfless act of love I know.
Everyone knows I'm an alcoholic. Only no one is brave enough to tell me. Because I'm only friends with other alcoholics, it is difficult to see the difference. I sneak back to my room, my vault of safety. The lock that keeps it is hardly basic with little inherent privacy. My room of solidarity is unkempt. My Bed. Our bed. The place where I once made love to a goddess. She no longer lingers here. She's found better more nutritious gardens. Mine is desolate, poorly maintained, and frought with drought. Except water of the poisoning kind.
I miss you so much. I keep trying to drink the pain away. I spent the pain once and I ended up even more unhappy. Perhaps I'll expend less this time. Perhaps I'll find salvation. A pity I don't believe in salvation anymore.

how many bottles this time

2012-01-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

so much hurt. so little forgiveness. no matter how many times i run over us in our head, no matter how many angles i remember, much leads to our failure. and now the words have left me as usual.
And they return in drunken stupor. so much fury and so little hate.

2011-11-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

I suspect by your inability to respond to me that you've successfully blocked me from most aspects of your life. I wonder if you're thinking it'll just be easier this way. No contact. No desire. No fighting. No pain. I've been sick the last two days. I haven't left the house since I came home last Tue. I miss you more than you want to know. Perhaps you're ignoring me because you've finally decided to move on. I am not giving up. I am still going to try and live up to the man you always wanted me to be.

it's fine. you don't have to take any choco taco crap. cookie monster is moving on. so can you. i'm devastated for myself. i'm happy for you.

The lives we make

2011-11-23T22:57:00.001-08:00

The lives we make
The bread we break
The covenants we forsake
The love we create
Make no mistake
I love you
Perhaps fate isn't so kind
A shame she shall never be mine

words wasted

2011-11-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

i hope you see that cutting the person you love down, doesn't encourage them to grow with you. cutting them off from sunlight doesn't encourage them to grow with you. refusing to give me any credit at all is not a relationship i want to be in with you. i am sorry i could not give you what you wanted. i don't have the means right now.

i have lost my faith and i cannot find it with the weight of your words. while i want to come over and see you and hold you and be there for you, i'm crushed and hopeless. and i'm not mad at you for it. i'm not gonna call you names. i'm not even gonna fight you. i'm gonna tell you i love you and i wish you were here and didn't have class and that we could be together.

Pariah

2011-11-02T02:50:00.000-07:00

I have chosen exile as my path. I no longer flow with the river, but I swim upstream like the doomed salmon. I return to my beach of birth like the sea turtle. I have chosen who I am. I have settled for what I can stand and stood for nothing. I wanted to be noticed so incredibly that my sight has become clouded with deceit and insecurity and disbelief. You were right. I found out at too high a cost. One I might learn to bare but at a cost you cannot afford. You are not a disappointment to anyone. Least of all to me. I am proud to have spent time with you. I am privileged you would even grace me with your presence in my life. I am forever grateful. Thank you. Your conviction will not be wasted on me. Save it for the one who loves you as I am unable to. For he will bring you happiness. When I have only brought you pain and suffering. Our downfall is my fault and my burden to bare. Suffer it if you must, but I chose this. We might have been, if I wasn't so selfish.

the one person it means the most to me, she feels hurt. the answer is obvious. while my heart disagrees, my head will reason. some of us suffer from reason, some of us are forced to reason and even still some of us choose reason.

What if we are the robots?

2011-10-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

What if we are the robots and the computers we are creating are merely the 13th floor? Ponder and expand on this topic in the future Lamog. Write a book. It will be understood. We are not a virus. We are an attempt at the cure. There are more stars than there are black holes. A far of reach for answers, but a well proposed simple understanding of the universe. I watched a progression of art of a person under the influence of LSD. I wonder what happened. I've been programmed to accept that inducing chemical imbalances are NOT the answer. Under study, we find incoherence and therefore, insanity through chemical imbalanace. I contest the motion. Dissidence is the key to happiness. Because harmony is fabricated. Symmetry is the worship of the imperfect and asymmetry is the flow of the water of life.

I don't understand rape.
I don't understand the super rich.
In my young age I believed there was a cure for cancer. Now I am watching a documentary of a Dr. Stanislaw Burzynski who has discovered an extremely effective approach to combating cancer. The "legal system" (by legal system I mean "money" (by money I mean "Big Pharma")) has pursued him beyond the fullest extent and kept his treatment under intense political scrutiny to the general public. I wonder how much of this documentary is fabricated. The sad truth is, even a documentary can be fabricated and I feel compelled to find answers for myself. However, even if only a small percentage of these reports prove themselves accurate, this doctor stands on the verge of correcting the perspectives of every single big company, as well as, every preconceived notion of treatment for such a radical pandemic yet unsolved for hundreds of years. Within the last century, copious amounts of money have not yet yielded results, and instead have resulted in mindless profits. The rich become richer and the poor become poorer. Reading articles of community and of incredible information exchange, I firmly believe our generation is poised to take control of our planet in a positive manner. It is rumored the world will undergo a significant "re-awakening" in 2012. I wonder how true this calculation is. The closer this year comes, the more firmly I believe in the inevitable.

Not unlike the industry I pursued, video description, I feel snuffed. The only market that receives resistance compared to other markets around the globe is the United States. The only market suffering massive hemorrhaging of intelligent work force are the United States. One might argue that with the spread of information and technology around the world perhaps everyone else is "catching up" with our "democratic super power". I am becoming more and more livid with the apathetic nature this culture continues to practice. However, I find hope in states like Hawaii, where citizens stand up and decide to "get things done".

I am appalled at the blatant ignorance of bureaucracy. Content is king. Data is defining. Yet obvious answers evade even the most skilled and informed politician for mere gain. Not even monetary or intellectual, but pure gain.

I love humanity. But if you have data, what is the use? I wonder if Gandhi ever asked such a question? I imagine such an enlightened one would. I imagine his answer may reveal a harsher truth than necessary. Humans are gullible in the most fortunate of ways.

I can feel her. I am addicted.

My college blunder

2011-07-11T01:35:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling the last few days. My educational career is totally screwed up. I wish I had taken better care of my scholastic self historically instead of blowing off college. I am running into road block after road block just to get back in to College of the Canyons.
I would like to preface by saying my introduction to college was a horrible failure. I was extremely successful in elementary, middle and high school. I had great teachers and I had a drive to succeed in my education. I maintained exceptional grades in my studies throughout my childhood but when I went to college, everything changed. I became a statistic.
Right out of high school I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an audio engineer and work on web design on the side with a friend of mine. Getting into web design at the turn of the century was so much fun. It was the beginning of the dot com boom and if I had stuck with that career decision I might be a bit better off today. My friend and I even attempted to start a web design business together but we were never really able to get our feet off the ground. He went on to pursue web design further while I decided to invest in my career as an audio engineer. I was already involved with a recording studio and in the process of building a new production studio with a great purpose; Video Description. My drive shifted from education to career. In hindsight I shifted my drive prematurely. At least in my case.
If you can imagine, just out of high school, full of vigor and naivete. I am starting a business with a friend. I am building a new post production business and studio. I had an amazing girlfriend at the time. I am already seeing the dollar signs. I was set to be a great success from the very get go.

I got a letter saying I am dismissed from COC. I was auto enrolled in a class last spring semester (the first semester I was actually eligible to enroll since 2001, that's another story) and I did not drop it before the deadline to drop without a W. I didn't even know I was enrolled in the class. When the semester started I started receiving emails from the professor. If I didn't check on my enrollment status at COC I would have failed the class completely. Two classes actually, it was a special two course in one semester program. From what I have gathered, I was dismissed because taking the W put my GPA even further in the gutter than it was before.
My next step is to appeal? I don't even know who to ask if it is even worth my time to appeal. I am stuck in this limbo with a devastating waterfall effect. Because I did not start out my college career successfully I am unable to reset and restart the process.
I am currently enrolled at Pierce College but the commute is taxing financially, auspiciously and physically. Gas is expensive, I work full time and can only take evening or weekend courses, and I have been commuting for nearly ten years. I hate commuting. Trying to overcome so many obstacles is completely discouraging. I don't know where to find answers and I feel strongly as if no one wants to help me. I have seen several counselors and none of them have been very responsive to my needs. I know I am a poor communicator and I honestly understand that with the recent influx in student enrollment, counselors are in high demand and likely overloaded and overworked.
My girlfriend is working on her master's to become a counselor. Ironic I know. I should be able to turn to her for answers but I get stressed when I try to work through school stuff with her. I feel like a complete failure when I talk to her. She is very successful in the education system. I want encouragement and support from you Baby Bug. I do not want criticism unless that is what I am asking for. I am not nearly as talented at navigating the education system as you are. I appreciate the love and support you have been giving me so far. Thank you.
Things would be less difficult if I didn't have to worry about money. I do. Every penny I have is accounted for. I literally have less than 20 dollars a week to spend on things that include, food, personal care products, car repair, emergencies, school books and supplies, etc. My autonomous consumption is increasing and my disposable income is rapidly decreasing. Thanks Macro Econ summer course. I got a C. I would have liked to have done better. I bombed the first quiz and I was unable to take advantage of an incentive opportunity to raise my grade by scoring high on the third quiz. I'm sure that's why I got a C. I am glad I passed. I did enjoy Professor Cruz's lectures including his accent.

Missed Opportunity

2011-07-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

Once again in my life. I feel I am missing out on living life with someone I love. She's too busy kicking the shit out of someone she claims to have loved and lost. I refuse to tell my friends or my family that I spent another day arguing with her. Pleading with her to let go. Begging her to just love me.

If you feel getting beat up by the woman you love is working for it. I beg to differ. Expressing myself honestly and respectfully despite the hurtful words that spill from her mouth. That's working for it. And I deserve a gold medal for keeping it together as long as I have. Going on 4 hours. Want to keep wasting our time together and keep beating on me? Or have I worked hard enough yet?

I'm sorry I needed space. I'm sorry I spent time with my little brother. I'm sorry I didn't call you the minute I woke up this morning. I'm sorry I had such a shitty day. I've got problems and I don't need to be putting them on you. Ill keep them to myself in the future. You've got enough to be worried about right now. I love you.

I wont be able to sleep tonight. Tonight I am distressed. I am beginning to feel hopeless again. You get to be off having fun. I'm stuck watching everyone again. You come down on me for not being who you want me to be. You don't appreciate me for who I am. You tell me I don't love you. But I know what love is and I know I love you. I know how I feel about you. I wish you did too.

I love you. I hope you are safe. I don't know how much sleep I'll get tonight. I've hurt you.. again.. how much hurt can love endure? I fear I may soon learn the answer. I've surpassed my limits long ago. Doesn't make the bite less painful. My heart ragged and worn though it may be, hasn't much virgin skin left to scar. I protect my heart with all of my might but it is not mine to keep. In your hands I feel it tighten as if in a vice. Every last drop of life seeps through the gaps of your grip. Spare me I beg you. But you do not hear me.

Summer Intersession

2011-06-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

Too often I find myself writing down my experiences in this blog about the negative. Even now I feel hopeless and depressed. But that's not going to stop me from expressing the positive emotions I have right now. I am back in college. I am making the effort I should have ten years ago to pursue a degree. It is quite difficult right now. I have not exactly set myself up for success. I have decided to work full time, keep my relationship with someone vitally important to me, as well as, pursue my Bachelor in Computer Science to the fullest extent I am able. This summer intersession is already proving particularly taxing even though I am only taking two classes. The classes are compressed into a five week study and I already feel behind on my English material. I am all caught up this weekend thankfully.

I think I'll start there. Simple. I miss my baby bug. A LOT. At least she is having fun. Even if it is not with me. I am happy for her.

failure to launch

2011-04-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

deeply seeded fears constantly manifest themselves in our lives. i have let my fear and insecurity rule over me for so long i thought it was the way of things. maybe it is the way of things. to be ruled by fear and insecurity. i refuse to live this way anymore. i have made unforgivable errors in judgment. and no matter what i do now will only bring about more discomfort and pain. in order to face my fear i have to stand proud before it and let the world see it. even if no one is looking. even if she isn't looking.
an exciting moment happened in my life. someone close to me is gonna get married. i am so happy for her. secretly i envy her because i want that same joy for myself. it seems unlikely now i'll find it with someone even closer to my heart. unforgivable errors in judgment will forever haunt us both.
i'm still determined to show you jenn, i love you. even if it means we do not work out in the end. you will still know.
i am so hurt. i have never told you i have found a connection anywhere close to ours. yet you have admitted to me that you have found a connection with someone else that was possibly better. you argue that you waited months before you slept with all three of them. i waited months before i attempted to move on with one person, the destroyer. it was my fault for withholding the whole truth from you. i tried to communicate with you but the words i speak always and invariably hurt you. i'm learning to speak your language but i simply will not learn it fast enough for you. and i feel you lack any interest in learning mine.

i love you jenn

2011-04-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

i love you jenn. no matter what. what does one do if you love someone so deeply you would be willing to let them go? some might say it's cowardly to let go. some might not even call it love in the first place. i know that to love is to let go.

i gave my life to someone for a year and she broke up with me. i tried over and over and over again to be happy with her. we found our moments. we had our times. and i love having experienced all of her. i love her. when things are great, things are incredible and i couldn't be happier. but when things come crashing down i was left in ruin. i never imagined that when things came crashing down that i would do what i did.

i have been broken for a long time. longer than even she may realize. she helped piece me back together. through all the kicking and screaming i put up, she put me back together and helped me make myself whole again.

some might say a year is nothing. i am inclined to agree. maybe i let go too soon? maybe i let go too late? i let her go when she broke up with me. that's what we both agreed upon before the break up happened.

i came back when she asked me to. i tried to move forward. to move past our differences. but i became stuck. i couldn't move forward with jenn. i hated her for clinging on so tight. to me she clung tighter. the exact opposite of what i believe. i didn't understand it then. i couldn't understand it then. i didn't know how.

things changed when she changed herself. i was afraid it was all a ruse. she's pulled a fast one on me before. and i've fallen for it every time in the past. i was truly afraid. i have never been so broken or torn by anyone before. she stands up to me, she pushes me, she believes in me. she loves me.

i should have been man enough to cling to her love instead of falling victim to my own insecurities. i fell. and i fell hard. i have been in love with her for so long i didn't know how to tell her i was so unhappy. she tells me it should be easy if i was so unhappy. to move on. but it's not. when you love someone so deeply i believe you have to let go. i should have let go of my insecurities, instead, i let go of her.

here is where i fucked up. i began to move on. i tried with another woman. everything came so easily with this new woman. i felt we spoke the same language. i felt we both related to the same issues having uncanny experiences with our former partners. no matter how hard i wanted to be with this new girl i didn't really want her. she is gorgeous, strong willed, independent. the things i had been craving in my relationship with jenn. but i still want you jenn.

i tried to stay away from jenn. i tried to let go of her properly. i still tryed with jenn even when i tried with another woman. i sabotaged my relationship with both women by lying to them both. i omitted the whole truth to both of them in the hopes that i could come to a decision but in the end they decided for me. not because i wanted them to but because my deceit forced them to. i made my fatal error on the night of jenn's birthday. i betrayed her. i stood up to temptation and fell flat on my face. i will forever regret this decision and learn from it.

i am so sorry jenn. i love you.

maybe that's what love is

2011-03-29T14:45:00.000-07:00

being able to tell the person you love "i am unhappy."

had to write that one down.

i am a fuck up

2011-03-29T00:09:00.000-07:00

when you realize there is no saving you. what do you do? when you realize there is no comprehending you. what can you say? when you realize you are an asshole. who do you tell? when you realize you are a fuck up. how do you admit it? i am all of the above. i tried to warn you. i am heartless. i am an asshole. i am worthless. i fucked up my life. i chose this. let me be. it is better this way. you deserve so much better and i believe you will find it.

truth finds me where ever she goes. i admire her. she is relentless and won't let up. i would take her for granted if i knew how. instead i bow down to her and admit defeat. truth escapes me at every turn. i carry her on my shoulders without shame. few can appreciate this. fewer have the patience to listen to me express her. those few include me. i am a late bloomer. i have fought for my beliefs. i lose constantly. perhaps i believe poorly. perhaps i believe wrongly. according to those i believe in, i stand corrected. truth is escapable. truth is false. truth is my ally. when truth suits me. i do not know truth. i fear desire. i am a fuck up.

stumbled upon these gems

2011-02-04T21:16:00.001-08:00

If we work like dogs all our lives does that mean we pant like one? If we stand in line like ants do we find the work is done?

Music driven by a movie. Now thats worth writing for. A movie driven by song is just a musical.

In the moment of our highest glory we become small. Insignificant to the truth of power unchecked. Innate in our abilities to faulter as humans and exhaust our free will. 500 Days of Summer reminded me how foolish I've become. It reminded me how hopelessly in love I've fallen. And from those ashes I will start again. Not like the phoenix but like the bear. Not like the eagle but like the mare. Not like the dolphin but like the whale. I am the walrus. I am ... Sea Turtle Run.

I question

Why I'm unhappy

I chose this

The meaning is I got lost in her eyes. Her waters. I had to stop and admire her beauty. All the while I thought I was looking up to the heavens navigating by the stars expecting to find redemption. Instead I feel tricked into despair.

I'm over it.

i love you baby bug. no matter what.

2010-12-22T13:38:00.001-08:00

i apologize for calling you a cunt. i can never forgive myself for what i have done. can you forgive me? i love you baby bug. no matter what.

2010-07-29T12:07:00.001-07:00

i might ask myself why i still tell you i love you. then i might ask myself why you still tell me you love me. i would never ask you to stop telling me you love me. it's not something i wish ever to take away from you. it's not something i would take away from you even if i could. and then i might ask myself if even in my darkest moments of self loathing why i still feel compelled to tell you i love you. what else can i do? i would not wish to take that away from you. i would not take my love away from you even if i could. i still love you.

Baby Bug

2010-06-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you'll see this but I have to write something. You are the first woman I've truly invested in since Beeds. I love her dearly. She may never really know that and it's my fault. I am truly not the best communicator when it comes to expressing my own emotions. I think that's why I have an affinity for women who can. Because I see in them something I lack in myself. I miss you so much. I don't know what to do. All I know is that we've spent five months fighting each other of which we both seemed happy for all of maybe a total of four weeks strewn about those five months. I know you've spent approximately two years of your life chasing me down and trying to find your happiness with me. I think we've both found more hurt and heartache and struggle than either of us was prepared to handle. I have learned twice now that I am not happy with you. I struggle to be the man you wish me to be and I have failed to be him on countless more occasions. Maybe it is all my fault. I have been so focused on learning how to make you happy I have forgotten about myself and I now harbor ill feelings toward you.

I'm not trying to shut you out of my life. That's the last thing I want. I just feel like the decision for us to work or not is entirely on me and when I look back on our relationship all I see are failures to meet each others needs. This shouldn't be a bad thing to me. I look on failure as an opportunity to succeed in the future. But I also see our constant failure to be indicative of a poor relationship. A relationship I cannot afford anymore. I constantly let you down and the weight of my failures has grown disproportionately to my success as a bf to you. In truth I am devastated although I wonder if you'll ever get to see it. I don't feel like I've wasted my time with you but I feel I understand your pain of "lost time" together. I just feel like you have a very specific person in mind you want to be with and I do not meet that criteria. I also believe I too have a very specific person in mind I want to be with and while you do meet that criteria for me it is unfair of me to simply continue to take from a relationship and not be able to give in return what is needed to sustain it. I have always known that should we break up, I would have to be the one to handle it and make it happen. I have also known that if we are to succeed in our relationship I would have to be the one to handle it and make it happen. My constant failure to step up isn't healthy for you. I am no longer helping you or growing with you. I do blame you in part for my failures. I feel blamed for every mishap in our relationship and I constantly take the fall and I feel forced to get back up and try again on my own. I do not feel this was a joint effort. If it was then I suspect we both tried in our own ways as opposed to finding our way together. I really want to talk to you and find some sort of happiness between us.

she matters most

2010-05-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

i find it fascinating how much not only my ex can affect you but how your own ex can affect you. i haven't written for such a long time it's about time i let some of it out. recently cowgirl decided to introduce herself back into my life after having decided to stop communicating for the last several years. while i appreciate the effort it's had such an effect on me it's affected my relationship. my better half is busy having fun tonight. i'm glad she is. she needs it. we've overcome some incredible issues in the past week together. we've overcome more issues in the past two months than most couples confront in two years i would venture to say. apparently the odds are against us and it surely feels that way. everyone seems to be against us. it's like i'm in some crazy reality show and every time i get comfortable things go awry. i'm not sure if i should explore my dormant emotions or if i should let go of them. it's been several years and while my emotions have died for certain, the idea still haunts me. an idea i gave up on today when i realized i don't want to be better for her so much as i want to be better for habibi.

it's my way

2010-04-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

my way is slow and doesn't live within conditions. my way is patient and strives to be more understanding. my way doesn't let the negative get me down for too long. my way includes releasing my stress in both good and bad ways. my way includes more forgiveness than fault. my way finds strength in support. my way attempts to find the good in the bad. my way attempts to let go of everything around me so that i don't have to live in fear of losing it. more often than not these days i find myself fearful. my way is trying to be strong enough and brave enough to confront and accept my fears. my way is to take care of myself first before i attempt to take care of others. i've spent 28 years learning how to better take care of myself and i'm only getting better. i'm not amazing. i'm not incredible. i'm not perfect. i'm not extraordinary. i'm not special. however these are qualities i seek within myself. i strive to be amazing. i strive to be incredible. i strive toward perfection. i strive to be extraordinary. i strive to be special. i don't need anyone else to make me these things. i just need myself. i do need help along my way in life. i do need support along my way in growing old. i do need the ability to listen as well as i need to listen. i do need the ability to speak freely as well as i need to speak freely.

i have spent countless hours attempting to better myself and to better you. i have failed many more hours over and i am truly grateful for the opportunity. i believe i am always growing and always becoming a better man. even in my failures. i have failed you baby bug. i have failed to let myself just be myself in front of you for fear of losing you. i don't believe you'll understand what i'm doing or why. i can only tell you i love you and i will continue to support you in the best way that i can. i will also do my best to comply with your wishes and keep our contact to a minimum. my way is to keep supporting you regardless of our situation and is in direct conflict with your wishes i understand. i have tried so hard to be supportive of my ex's i will not rob you of the same respect. just know that it's my fault. i am letting go of my failure and taking responsibility for my actions [and inactions in this case]. you deserve better and i know i am not better for you right now.

9 times out of 10

2010-04-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure i know how to feel. i don't feel beat up, i don't feel depressed. i don't even feel upset. i love my baby bug. shouldn't that be enough? i used to get upset during times like this. i used to walk away and take my space. now i feel like she's taking her space. only she doesn't do space. she's black and white. there is no yin and yang with her. i guess that's the way of her culture. not much room for error. not much room to breath to me really. no room for error means no one succeeds. i don't think you're crazy by any means. i don't blame you either. i blame myself entirely. i'm simply not the man you want me to be. i don't know anymore. i'm insensitive and i feel she's hypersensitive. only not in the good way for either of us.

i should say i fail more than i succeed. at least that's what i believe. i've been dealt a bum hand. i've got to make the best of it. i've already ruined it by being selfish.

it is also no small endeavor to better one self. in fact as we grow older i find it more and more difficult. at least for myself. i would hope that my better half finds differently in confidence. before i questioned and looked the other way without wanting to know the answer. now i just simply question and want to know the answer. i just know i love my baby bug.

it's my love that i struggle with. it's not enough for her. i don't feel my life is ruined because i love her. i feel my life is ruined because i don't feel she loves herself. maybe she does. maybe her needs aren't being met by me. especially when she needs me. that is completely my fault. then i look back and reexamine. when does she NOT need me? ever? i don't need her like she needs me. that i know for sure. i need a woman who loves to see me happy. and i need a woman i love to see happy. i think i've got that part down with her. i LOVE to see her happy. it lets me know i'm doing something right by her. when she gets down, i lose myself. i have been thru this 100 times over with her. still no growth. i remember running when i was her age. i remember no one came after me. i wasn't running from anyone but myself. i can see small amounts of growth here and there, but when i try to bring these things to her attention she simply states, i don't see it. she's glad i can see progress but she can't see it herself. a shame really. it's my failure, not hers that i am who i am. i must accept responsibility for my actions. including my inactions.

honestly tho. i'm tired of trying to do things my way and i'm tired of trying to do things your way. both our ways obviously don't work well together. it's why i spend so much time learning to find our middle way. and a middle way means there is going to be loads and loads of compromise and non compromise. it's the non compromising parts that really worry me. i'm the flexible one. although when i don't flex on an issue, and i expect you to be flexible, i find that's where we often clash the most. it means, you aren't being flexible at all. it means i've adapted and continue to adapt without you. we can't even discuss how you can adapt. it's just my fault. at least i've come to a point where i can admit my faults and i can take responsibility for them. for better or for worse. i am done ranting. i've had enough. and i've said enough. this blog is mostly about failures (at least that's what it seems like to me right now). it's time to reinvent myself again and push forward from the lessons i've learned from my failures.

i am a failure

2010-03-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

i haven't written for days. i have one follower. my second follower has clearly left me. i can only laugh. i guess that's what i wanted to begin with. i was kinda hoping my words would be valuable to just one person. literally. my actions aren't valued. what makes me think my words are valuable. i do this everytime. i destroy myself and i start again. i want a woman that loves to see me happy. i do NOT want a woman that simply thinks i "can" make her happy. it's selfish i realize but in all honesty is that NOT what women seek for themselves? to feel fulfilled and to feel like they make a difference in their man's life. i want the same for myself in the reverse. i want to feel fulfilled and feel like i make a difference in my woman's life. this next statement is true. (this line has been censored due to its graphic nature - i apologize). despite what they might believe. i don't believe i'm a man whore so i know my intentions and my actions aren't worthless. (there is one woman in particular i favor, baby bug). in fact i value my actions so highly i wonder if anyone else values their actions as highly. i can't beat myself up for being me. for failing time and time again. it's unfair to beat myself up for any reason unless i'm upset for being angry with myself. which, to me, ultimately means there is no reason to get upset in the first place. i'm not saying don't have emotions, what i am saying is simply treating myself horribly because i failed is a "despicable" way to live. there is no room to succeed. there is simply no room to be happy. i love you so much it hurts. period.

fantastic four?

2010-01-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

the fantastic four are at it again! much love and much learned on this trip so far. don't invest in gnu bindings, definitely invest in burton boots, two weeks away from the gf might be too long, getting good at jumping (which means i should prolly invest in a helmet very very soon), att mobile service up here really blows or there is something wrong with my iphone, i can't honestly say i have laughed this hard given the company of my closest friends (it's been far too long), really wish global warming wasn't being so effective so we could get some crazy pow days in while we're up here. it's been fun. i'm sure i'll have more to report later when i have a moment to think to myself and reflect.

except that i hate stupid people. i am in no way accepting the responsibility of being smart because i personally feel i have shit for brains. i am intelligent enough to know i don't know anything. which is why it's nice when someone engages me rather than avoids me because their ego took a hit. now i know you don't need my protection. even after you never asked for it, you could never handle the truth yourself whether i was protecting you are not. a shame really. and i can't help but feel disappointed. why am i wasting my time? i have to get it out somehow and somewhere or i might just end up like you. waiting for someone else to come along and fix me for me. get up and fix yourself. you are smarter than me. i know you are.

an interesting digression?

2009-12-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

you would be impressed by the amount of information i'm processing right now. and i truly believe that you have the same ability. it's like if you give US the key we will use it. not because we don't know any better but because we want to and CAN. all the more reason i'm excited that i know i can tell you and you'll get it. i thought about last night. if knowledge is dynamic then it's constantly changing. everytime you try to grasp at knowledge it instantly changes. einstein was right. we can measure infinitely and never reach the true conclusion because the mere measuring of knowledge changes the equation. otherwise a paradox wouldn't exist. but because we as humans can imagine, anything is possible. and inherently we understand this concept however few really grasp it. most search for it and will never find it. others study it and will never find it. you either have it or you don't. it is the one absolute that is true. but by being true negates itself. it's why punk is punk. it comes into fashion and destroys itself for being fashionable. it's why EVERYONE tries to communicate but doesn't hear anyone else because there isn't a constant that exists to break that barrier. a constant that can exist where everyone can access, reinterpret and transfer that information to the next person. it's not about taking from life everything that life has to offer. by taking we are contributing to the 'scene' in the painting. it's about what we can contribute to life. that's painting life as we can imagine it. then comes the understanding, the "gravity" of the situation. understanding becomes invaluable and incalculable. i believe you inherently have the answer or the capacity to understand what i'm saying. the skills you have learned thru disciplining yourself and the discipline of your family (especially your father) can help me to communicate this message. the answer AND the gravity of what i know is inside me. it's inside us all but see and understand almost ALL humans don't understand let alone grasp the gravity. we are a rare breed. far more rare than i expected and i have been and am afraid to be here all by my lonesome. help me to teach you what i see so that i can better show everyone else. i know that's why i've been so fascinated learning about her teaching career. inherently i understand things but i don't grasp them and the more diverse i keep my company the more i can pull into myself and grasp the gravity of our knowledge so that i can in turn teach the answer. i love imagining this paradox because it only exists in my world but to transfer that idea to someone else, the prospect of such an endeavor will forever hold my attention.

wolf philosophy

2009-12-14T03:32:00.000-08:00

I am a wolf disguised as a sheep. It has taken me a good long while to get here but I am here and I see far more wolves than I expected. Wolves being pack animals it's easier now to understand how power is passed to those nearest it first and not just simply to the point where power is most needed.

I am a philosopher, a wanderer, a wonderer, a scientist, a creator, a destroyer, an open imagination. Recently the pieces have not only taken shape but have started to piece themselves together. What momentum I have acquired amounts to little but the most subtle of whispers. A simple hint of jasmine whispering through the air tickling the hairs on the back of your neck. Then your ears. Suddenly a flavor explodes as the receptors in your nose dance with delight and give that shy hint of jasmine a form familiar to your senses.

I grew up with jasmine. The kind that creeps around the south side of my family's first house. The jasmine still to this day spills into the seemingly endless backyard of nature behind the house with its prickly fingers and angelic white pinwheels clinging to the chain link fence overwhelming the 7 foot high single swing gate. That smell in the morning. I will never forget that smell.

When my brothers and I were young the back yard seemed endless and with our backyard probably an eighth of an acre, to me, the backyard stretched for eons. It was our own personal universe. It was there I first discovered and began to study wolf philosophy.

I remember wandering the circumference of the backyard from the jasmine to the clothes lines running west between two T fitted iron pipes which looked more like power lines when there were no clothes hanging from them. I remember wandering the mud flats where mint sprouts covered in dew stung the nose in the early morning. I remember the bamboo shoots in the far corner where the land of the orient came to life. Then turning to the north through the forest of ten story high trees. There were only nine trees, a trio among the mud flats, then a cluster of four and the last pair spread far enough apart seemingly to create a portal to another universe. The trees grew virtually linear across the yard south to north splitting the yard in half. I remember the final destination around the yard lead to the grapevines on the north wall before turning back south again to find ourselves returned to the back porch.

I wondered at the many marvels I would find on my many journey's around my universe. I studied and experimented as a scientist would the different types of foliage along the way. I would create hieroglyphs in the mud flats which so closely resembled the consistency of fudge brownies freshly baked from the oven. Running my finger ever so lightly across the surface so as only to collect the top layer of sediments I would then smear my face and become one with the land effectively creating my own camouflage and turn invisible to the natural wild. I would create weapons for defense from the bamboo shoots and train my mind and body for the trials ahead in the land of the orient. I would protect my crops of precious grapes and the very vines that they grew from with tireless patience. Or at least long enough to make my way back through the portal between the last pair of trees in time for lunch.

I remember thinking even then, I am glad to have my brothers to share this universe with... and I am glad to know that we exist..

to the edge of impossible

2009-11-24T02:22:00.000-08:00

I sometimes can't fathom the use of emotions. I guess that makes me pretty dead inside. I am a complete failure at communicating. I think I will take a communications class or something. Clearly I am in dire need of it. Or at least that seems like the most logical solution. There has to be a better way. Even with an extensive vocabulary and an extensive index of obscure knowledge and references it all counts for nothing if I can't even convey a concept in a clear and understandable method.

Fucking impossible. How I detest thee. Taking the attainable to the unattainable. Which is why I am so completely unforgivable. Over and over I eat the bullet ready and willingly. I have a mind to point the gun at someone else but that seems so completely inappropriate to me. I adore life. I adore the life you bring me. I simply have nothing to offer in return. All I have is this damned belief that there must be a better way. It all works out in the end. The end seems so far away. Too far away.

I have felt this vacuum before. Only I swear this one cuts deep. Deeper than any I have felt before. I suppose it can only get better if that's the case. Over one cut and on to the next gash. Maybe I am a masochist. I don't believe I am but we see what we want to see right?

Belief. Another powerful spell I cannot resist. Negativity is wasted on me. I can't but believe in myself and be positive.

The truth is I regret. I'm at a point where I realize it doesn't matter anymore. I just want to make a difference. I want to make a positive impact. I will make a positive impact.

There has to be a better way

2009-11-24T02:07:00.000-08:00

With everyone that has decided to include me in their life I am forever indebted. Not because I have so little to offer but because I believe there is a better way. And for this belief I thank my parental units. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am one hundred percent positive that I will make even more mistakes.

I am so discouraged every time I fall victim to the consumer mentality. I am so discouraged every time I fall victim to the "I wish" syndrome that continues to sweep our culture. I am so discouraged when you start typing into google search and the truth of our curiosities are displayed for us in the ten most popular searches as we have typed so far.

swimming

2009-11-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

It is easy to fall off the deep end when the bottom is practically bottomless but there is a bottom and you do not have to sink down to it to find your footing. You don't have to suffocate to reach the bottom either. You just have to lie still and let the weight of your regret pull you further and further away from the sky. It will not be long before it is too dark to know which way to swim for the surface. Swimming for the surface is your only refuge. It is the breath of life you will find there. So when you jump there is no other alternative than to swim toward the surface. Panicking will not help. You will run out of life. Clamming will not help. You will be swept by the current and run out of life.

a history lesson

2009-11-03T02:16:00.000-08:00

I've been working so hard to become what I am. I have spent countless hours on everyone else. I have invested the same words over and over again in as many people. I feel so disenchanted I'm just waiting to be inspired. Honestly I don't have the it factor. I am the factor that makes it possible. Again and again I've helped other than myself brought up. Like you I'm left waiting for someone to pick me up. Only the only person capable of doing just that is myself. I can't get behind upselling my neighbor but I can get behind helping my neighbor out. I've just been taught how to sell my brains out for the cause. Now that it's my ass on the line I haven't acquired my own portfolio. I've acquired everyone else their own portfolio.

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-21T13:48:00.001-07:00

While I don't believe this film is necessarily for children, I definitely believe it was a success. Great cinematography. Emotionally perhaps on the darker side but still hopeful. Go see Where the Wild Things Are in theaters.

Poop Poop

2009-10-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

My initial reaction to all the poop flinging was shame but now I wonder how smelly your hands are getting. There seems to be enough poop I must be covered in it by now. I hope no poop got on the sole of your shoe as you have proceeded to step all over me because I can trace that scent even across the internet. While you are brave enough to wash your hands in “anonymity” I am only cowardly enough to present myself in the most arrogant of ways through my expressive writing through my own website operated by me. To put it succinctly I track the traffic that flows through my site. I am long winded I know. I suppose even negative attention is better than no attention at all. I admire your tenacity and I thank you for your perspective honestly and sincerely.

What saddens me most, despite I am perturbed from being flamed on my own site, is simply that these are not threads of communication. People often yell because they feel they are not being heard. I wonder which one of us is yelling and which one of us is not listening? I believe there is a better way. I believe we can open a dialogue keeping the negative emotions at bay long enough to understand one another. You can go on pooping on me if that is how you wish to waste your time. I am just suggesting, as a friend or family member might, I hear what you are saying and perhaps I have something to learn from you. Would it be alright with you if I answered some of your questions?

poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop
poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop
poop poop poop poop

I have now pooped 100.. I mean 101 times on my site. I counted. Sorta loses it’s meaning after so much repetition.

Deep Blue Sea

2009-10-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

If you are a land lover you wouldn’t know how the water can play tricks. The deep blue sea will swallow your sanity like a whirlpool. It isn’t difficult to get lost out at sea. Not unless you can read the stars. Tarot cards can point the way but too often people see answers and give up. I have no business defending tarot cards, I have never used them. I believe I can read the stars. But sometimes her sapphire waters can beguile even me. I saw the reflection of the sky and not the open black depths speckled with bread crumbs. Such beauty should never go unnoticed because that would be a sin. Not to stay for a moment to acknowledge and admire her beauty would truly be a sin. I over stayed my welcome on these waters. Her wrath will consume even me. Or rather my writhing regret.

Nightmares

2009-10-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I still can’t stop thinking about you. It’s ridiculous I know. I know about the one to come. I know about the one I have left. I still can’t stop thinking about you. I know my smile is genuine. I ache with my very DNA for yours to be as successful. Ever so slowly your memory is being replaced against my will. Ever so slowly I begin to dream another nightmare. If you knew me you would know that I don’t dream. I hardly ever dream. Fortunately my memories dwell on my happiest moments and forget to see the illness that is spreading. I haven’t the time to waste on malignant natures. Only the habit. In all fairness this is my cry. My willingness to admit that my happiest moments have lead me to despise myself and those that have followed you. I remember 500 Days of Summer and I should take heed. But your smile haunts me. If I were to admit that you were without question the most enchanting creature to bless this earth would you take heed? My borderline obsession with you has lead me to examine my past all too inappropriately. There is much to be learned from the past. There is much to be gained from the future when it is confronted with the lessons of our past. I still can’t stop thinking about you. I’m through with hiding myself. I know I love you. And I know I want to be happy. And I know that I will always want you. And I know that I want your happiness at whatever cost. And I know she would do the same for me. Perhaps I am finished, but I still can’t stop thinking about you.

Casualties of war?

2009-09-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Sequacious. I’m obviously missing something here. I’m not in dire straights yet but I’m quickly advancing my way there. I have no longer the desire or the will. I liked it better when I could stand on the side lines and cheer. But I guess I have to get my feet wet sometime if ever I’m going to learn to swim. For some strange odd reason I see cruise missiles when I look at this picture. I am going to pull myself together. That was the whole point of leaving my American Dream [anonymized]. I am going to pull myself together. Here goes.

Compromise

2009-09-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you that everything I utter is true. I wish I could tell you that everything that we experience is nothing less than the truth. I wish I could tell you that I wouldn’t let anything ill begotten of you. I wish I could tell you that my words held weight. I wish I could tell you that the lyrics were lies. I wish that I could tell you that I despise you. I wish I could tell you that I was sober enough to tell the difference. I might find an ending. A happy ending with you. I wish I could tell you I didn’t belong to the urban jungle. I wish that I could tell you that I know better. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t fall between the lines of gossip. I wish I could tell you that it was still puppy love. I wish you were here. I wish upon a star and hope beyond hope far isn’t so near. I might find what I have been searching for and become content. I might wish I were happy next to you. I might wish I had everything I ever wanted. I might realize everything I ever wanted is you. I wish I could tell you

Writer's Block

2009-09-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to write you, but I can’t find the words. When I do feel the words my thought’s are fleeting and I forget to remember them later. Like now. I am angry. I am still emotionally attached to a figment of my imagination. A possibility presented itself to me today and it still doesn’t help me to feel any better about you. I should have got rid of everything that takes me to you. Everything....

I don’t write because I’m still in love. I don’t write because I still hate us. I don’t write because you aren’t listening. I don’t talk because the music told me so. The lyrics speak to me in ways no one else can possibly understand. I don’t write because it is completely inappropriate. I don’t write because I wish you were gay. I don’t write because I want someone else. I don’t write because I can’t have what I want. I’m so stupid. Just so dumb it hurts. But the music speaks to me. And tells me how it is. Music is the rhythm of my life....

It’s like everyone has to practice their own social experiment. Loud music with profane lyrics. Loud colors that wreak of an unhealthy fascination with the same sex. I want to ask you to leave but you just won’t go. I have asked politely but I haven’t found the strength. I would ask rudely but you can’t take no for an answer. 3 Inches of Blood. What is it exactly you are listening to again?

I would not let him go if I had the choice.

The girl next door

2009-08-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

A dime a dozen. I felt I thought of two significant concepts yesterday. Paddles in the ocean like kelp beds for renewable energy and an idea for a great zombie prank on the side of a freeway during peak rush hour traffic. I like to describe rush hour on the 405 freeway in California as “mass transit parking”. Someone should imagine a prank to stop traffic altogether and just get out and start charging people for parking. That would be hilarious.

And I thought of an interesting business model which is already proven effective and successful by retail stores and “deal a day” web sites. However this model harnesses the power of demand by the end user. Taking advantage of gorilla marketing tactics to become a small middle man in selling zero hour products over the internet straight from the manufacturer. Fuck credit card companies, fuck Walmart. It’s a business model that can be scalable providing unprecedented savings straight to the consumer.

Oh. And the girl of my dreams still only haunts me in my nightmares. It’s a shame I don’t dream.

The night is young

2009-08-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have dreaded this moment for so long. Four weeks ago I took a leap. A leap of faith but seriously? I leapt for my life and the depressing part is testing faith doesn’t work.

The only time I write is when I am drunk. I can’t lie when I am drunk. The truth comes out. Call me Hemingway. Only I don’t write as intelligently as he did. I am a coward when it comes to matters of the cardiovascular nature. I have soaked myself in so much self loathing I have lead someone else to believe she too is worth so little. I have become the one thing I have feared the most. The one thing I hate.

When the world slows down for one significant instant. Take two and three thirds.

Film portrays this moment by making time stand still for the viewer. Each insignificant artifact on the screen becomes important. Every frame tells a story. Reading the motions in between the lines becomes a scene. When the music fades in to tell you how important this very instant has become that’s when realization sets in. An understanding the ocean has tides which push and recede. An understanding that politics are cyclical much like music. An understanding that life is extraordinary. The understanding that I love you more than you can possibly imagine.

Queue the douche bag with the attitude that begs to be tested. I stand corrected.

I still believe asking the question is the cliche. I still believe every answer is the same. There has to be a better way. Until you meet the girl next door. Until you make the assumption that she even lived there. Sadly she doesn’t live next door to me. Sadly she does not even exist. She is a myth. Like Medusa turning you to stone with but a gaze from those gorgeous sea green eyes. Not unlike a woman so handsome she stops you dead in your tracks or a man so metrosexual that he takes your breath away.

Cliche. But...

What is with that hideous face of dark brown sugar crackling like Death Valley just after a flash flood? Her skin so soft and crisp to touch. Only she doesn’t like when you caress her extremities for fear her skin will flake.

What is with the head of deadly venomous snakes for golden locks of loveliness? Her serpentine hair like ripples in a lake undulating perpetual happiness upon her face.

How in the fuck does any straight man turn down the most attractive green eyed goddess on the planet? He doesn’t. He realizes her lips still imprinted on his wrists. Not the last place she planted her lips. Just the last place her lip balm graced his skin.

Anonymous

2009-07-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Music IS the rhythm of my life. It's time I listened carefully. Not only do I miss you but I find myself without. Too much has been lost to be found again. I will rebuild. I will shine bright. Without you if I must. If I work like a dog then do I pant? If I stand in line like the rest of the ants will the work get done? I should be calling on you but instead I will call the one person I know will answer. Thank you.

Why are we friends?

2009-04-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

A valid question. One I ponder more and more often as I get older. Those that I love haven't left and those I love more aren't very close to me. I love how I can speak my mind better and better with each word that spills out on these pages. I would prefer my words resonated more with the stranger that curiously passes by and continues reading only to discover I might have something interesting to say. Only I am not the most passionately fragmented mind to read about, I have but one conundrum. Who in the hell is eating gilbert grape? Can we say stalker status?

I had forgotten what it meant to love someone other than my own flesh and blood so completely. I realized this when everyone spoke of respect and happiness at the dinner table. I feel I understand more clearly what it means to let go. My motto I know. I have bore witness to a beheading and I have experienced a scalping (of my soul). I have experienced hopelessly fallen in love and the greatest happiness on the shores of Ventura. I am that old. I can only hope that I am so wise.

She brought it to my attention and I appreciate her the most. Only she isn't reading. She doesn't know how. Finally, FUCK U BITCH!

That wasn't directed toward you.. you're the only one that reads this I know. And I love you for it.

Another start

2009-03-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have been fortunate. I have been blessed. I have been saved. I have been lucky. I have been less than deliberate but surely a rebel with a cause. A firm belief that it's not all random. Okay, now I know my brother is LOUD and it is driving me nuts. I have to get out. I can't even think straight anymore. Or maybe I am just not loud enough. It's his way of being confrontational without being confrontational. Way to justify it.

Maybe with better sight I have gotten better foresight. I like to believe that I have managed to see clearly for most of my life but it's the coolest feeling in the world knowing that there is still so much to learn. I have taken part in the craziest shenanigans (had to throw that in there for chopsticks later) and I think I'm good. The truth is I know what I'm going to do. I actually know. And I think I'm finally okay with it. The crazy thing is I think I have needed all this time to get here but why in the hell did I have to take my sweet time? I like taking care of myself. I don't care much for abusing myself anymore. What's up with that? I have always liked structure, organization, efficiency. I have introduced enough chaos into life when life presents it's own type of chaos. Organized Chaos. My mind is ever expanding I tell you. It's fun to let it grow.

Letting go?

2009-03-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am admittedly a little perturbed tonight. I hope the young lady who I believe hit my brother's car tonight is well and safely made her way home. However I don't believe she should have been driving in her condition. Seeing as how she decided to leave her mark on X's car by way of side swiping the bumper crooked on his vehicle. I also didn't take the time I should have to pay my auto insurance and as of 12.01 am yesterday morning I no longer have insurance on my vehicle. I'll take care of it today. On top of trying to help deal with my brother's situation. Such a pisser. Too many things happened to go wrong this evening. This day really. I should stick to my guns more often. Thankfully this photo is a reminder of how the good times can roll. Adorable really. I wish I were drunk right now. I might appreciate the moment a bit more. Or at least bitterly enjoy this instance. To tomorrow. To letting go.

Re-learning to learn

2009-02-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

It is not something I have thought about really. Not until someone of indescribable importance to me recently decided to undertake the arduous task of earning her credentials in order to teach the next generation. I love listening to Tash talk about how she is teaching her students and how receptive they seem to be toward her disposition. And by how I mean the methods of teaching she is learning to incorporate into her blossoming curriculum are what fascinate me the most. Learning is something that we conspire to do every single day of our lives when we wake up and take on a daunting universe of truth. As younglings we are taught to speak, interact and imagine. While these simple tasks seem inherent to even the adolescent human being, what amazes me is what possesses us to learn how to learn. Then take what inspires us and successfully pass this passion on to our neighbor. I have long felt that it is not the destination but the journey that is the more important. I believe I now know.

Like I have tried to describe in previous entries to myself I now feel like my mind is only a dark attic. Lots of interesting shadows and shapes befall me in the darkness but with every moment that I keep my eyes open I can see just a little bit more. My eyes can focus and reinterpret what little bits of light simply were not absorbed into my surroundings. I can see the ghost hovering in the corner, waiting ominously for the right time to reveal her presence to me... Until.. I turn on the light. She leaves my sense of sight. Where she fears she is too hideous to be seen. It is a great analogy what occurs in my head. The flipping of a light switch. But then where does the power come from? Perhaps I have simply been in the light all this time and I am simply closing the light. I digress. My mind has been expanding I tell you. And it's appetite is only growing.

http://www.trnmag.com/View_from_the_High_Ground.html

Guinness

2009-01-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

An Irish Car Bomb at McCoy explains it all. This car bomb was the last one saluted. A cheers at the Mill taken by the last four standing at the end of it all. Till the next time I suppose.

8 days of snowboarding my brains to the brink of serious injury. Riding six strong on the mountain with nobody in tow is exhausting. It's ride hard or ride harder. Everyone is able to keep up and the train only grew to impossible lengths when two crews merged for the greatest day of mountain debauchery the likes I have never seen. Let alone been fortunate enough to participate in. Riding is my passion. Riding with others? There is no greater joy in my life.

2 days of climbing against impossible problems and solving several. Still left with one and returned home to no one.

Once again I have crushed someone. In doing so I have only managed to compact myself that much more. Reaching out to who so ever listens. Only I am not interested in listening so much as I am interested in sharing. Sharing my happiness. It is the most selfish endeavor I have ever pursued. And I will continue to pursue this course relentlessly until I am tired.

Should have known better

2008-12-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

To mark an occasion I don't care to remember I quote

    banana split, only minus the banana. make it a tangerine.
    and forget about the split, I just want the ice cream.
    on second thought, how about some cake.

    what? you're pregnant?
                                                   -me. myself. and george.

of all days it happens to fall on. this had to be the day. shame shame shame. i have set such a poor example. i must make amends and at least show them that even tho i can't be saved they can be. i find it so much easier knowing what not to do as opposed to knowing exactly what to do. or is the true test of faith the ability to pick up a hammer and saw?

closer to the meaning further from the truth. to be in the wrong place at the right time. letting go couldn't be more difficult.

*had to add this. Henry Rollins is intense. i don't know but one other time i have felt so moved. well maybe a few when i actually want to recall such memories. man's violent nature is disturbing to me. and i honestly believe i am pretty desensitized. i've seen things i'd like to forget but i now accept. i've felt in ways i know only few are successful in expressing. i have experienced a life many would envy or covet even. and i'm not talking about money. i have little. i want less. i am definitely going thru a very personal time. when i can be vulnerable. it still doesn't mean i want to be. or that i won't fight against it relentlessly until i am safe. but then again, when are we really safe?

Seeing is believing

2008-12-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

I should have written about my experience a while back but I have only been inspired to take a break now and put it down. I recently received Super LASIK eye surgery. I never knew I was missing out on so much of my surroundings. Actually I had the surgery a little over a month ago now. At first I couldn't stop talking about it. Reiterating to my friends over and over again how well I can now see. I can see mountains, trees, clouds, stars. I can tell the difference between watching a movie at the Arclight and a regular Regal Entertainment Group theater. It is actually more pleasing to watch a film in all it's glory. Tuned surround sound, quality film, maintained projection equipment, comfortable seating.

I also took on a relationship that has been sucking me dry of my patience. I am beginning to believe that the best thing for me to do is to simply drop it completely. We have both grown in leaps and bounds in our character but we keep running into the same issue over and over again. I can't deal with self destructive behavior because I think it's weak and petty. And I understand and realize completely what it means when I say, "We often hate in others what we hate most about ourselves". Perhaps hate is too strong a word. Dislike is more my penchant. It's a shame we can't all see the same colors. Or perhaps that is what makes it all so fascinating. I want to find my equal. More likely than not she truly will be my greater half. I still long for u. His eyes remind me of u. Too many thoughts. And I hate hanging clothes.

the living end

2008-11-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

Everyday I am inspired and I can't seem to find the time to lay down my thoughts. I was inspired once again by one of my favorite films. Garden State. Zach Braff seems to know how to present life's great conundrums through moving pictures, acting and dialogue. The great circle has reared it's head once again and mother isn't too happy. Once again I have slammed the door shut in the face of hope and dream. Elle is not the answer. Sam is. Sam is me. The more knowledge I garner the less I know. It's frustrating! I'm excited for the coming rain. Something to wash away all this ash. These fires have wreaked havoc on my nostrils. Still. I find myself stuck a hopeless romantic listening to my emo-core and metal media. It is difficult for me to think that perhaps I am just being too picky. I don't want just any girl. I want the perfect girl. The one that loves to see me happy. Is that so much to ask?

Oh and I can't wait to go snowboarding with you.

Onward and upward

2008-09-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

And so begins the newest chapter in my life. And I will begin first by following a friend across the US. I doubt I'll find what I'm looking for but I am most certain that I have only everything to gain by it. Fortunately, however, I will get to actually see the lovely lady I hope to recreate. Standing tall and proud she welcomes those seeking freedom. She entreats those who wish to be debt free. Those who are courageous enough to find her and fight for what she believes in. Even if it means proactively engaging those beliefs. For without the upright, she doesn't stand a chance on her own. The torch can only be passed on. Like a candle, one person's torch can stay lit for so long before it burns out. It's up to the next person to light the way for a short while and subsequently continue to pass the torch on. If we are fortunate, enough of us will take up her cause. Together we will stand united. Together we can make a difference. I will carry the torch. I will make a difference.

Jump Fool Jump

2008-08-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

So I have been reading some non-fiction lately. Steinbeck to be exact. His words resonate with me today as I am sure they most certainly would have yester-year. The miracle is the action not just the intent. I learn more and more about myself with every relationship I engage. Intent means little to those willing to take up arms and fight for what they believe in. Go out and get a fuckin education. Learn both the pros and the cons of your beliefs. A one sided argument is ill gotten and ignorant friendly. Knowledge is power. And with power comes great responsibility. Exercise your right to act and make a difference. Get off your sorry ass and act on your beliefs.

Realize

2008-07-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

when you realize how you have labored
when you realize who you have savored
then i realize what a waste of fucking time

when you realize where you have sold your thoughts
when you realize what words have bought
then i realize that she could give a fuck less

when you realize what words have bought<<<
when you realize why love's been shot<<<<
then i realize my heart is made of stone<<<<

i wanted to realize the worthlessness of words and remember the meaning of action. action we can control. always we affect our environment. for ill or for better. how we choose to act, including our freedom to act poorly or not at all does and will affect our environment. when we are born with gifts is it our responsibility to use them accordingly? what if our gifts come at a cost to others? are we then responsible not only for using our gifts but also for the cost giving may impose on other? it is in giving that we receive is it? calm-assertive natures.

I realized that it was in leaving that I never really left in the first place. I came to find you. Will you find me? I'm asking you to. I want you to. Have I told you today that you're amazing?

It's been a while.

2008-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

1.what gets hotter as it gets colder?
2.what is white when it's dirty turns black as you clean it?
3.what gets wetter as it dries?
4.how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?(kind of random)
5.what gets bigger and never smaller?
6.how much money do you need to be rich?
7.what time is it when your clock is only right once a day?
8.what shape that can, be made from four matches, face any direction, be flipped any way and will stay right side up?

"The memories of long love gather like drifting snow, poignant as the mandarin ducks that float side by side in sleep." Lady Murasaki

Today's lesson.

2008-05-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

"Love has a hem to her garment that reaches to the very dust. It sweeps the stains from the streets and lanes, and because it can, it must".
Mother Teresa

"Woman was created from the rib of man: Not from his head to be thought of only, nor from his hand to be owned, nor from his foot to be beneath, but from under his arm to be protected, from his side to be equal, and from his heart to be loved.."
Author

Riddles

2008-05-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

"Romantic love reaches out in little ways, showing attention and admiration. Romantic love remembers what pleases a woman, what excites her, and what surprises her. Its actions whisper: you are the most special person in my life." Charles Stanley (A Man's Touch)

1)I can be eaten and important for circle work. What am I?
2)I am an insect, and the first half of my name reveals another insect. Some famous musicians had a name similar to mine. What am I?
3)My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured, thin I am quick, fat I am slow and wind is my foe.What am I?
4)I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle but I still hold water.What am I?
5)Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?
6)You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
7)I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?
8) I am mother and father, but never birth or nurse. I'm rarely still, but I never wander. What am I?
9)I am weightless, but you can see me. Put me in a bucket, and I'll make it lighter. What am I?
10)I'm where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow's in the middle. What am I?
11)Weight in my belly, trees on my back, nails in my ribs, feet do I lack. What am I?
12)Lighter than what I'm made of, more of me is hidden than is seen. What am I?
13)You can have me but cannot hold me, gain me and quickly lose me, if treated with care I can be great, and if betrayed I will break. What am I?
14)I can be cracked, I can be made, I can be told, I can be played. What am I?
15)Until I am measured I am not known. Yet how you miss me, when I have flown! What am I?

1) What do you give an injured lemon?
2) If an atheist died in church, what would be put on his coffin?
3) Who was it that went into the lion's den unarmed and came out alive?
4) A man rode down the street on a horse, yet walked. How come?
5) How can you eat an egg without breaking the shell?
6) Why was King Henry VIII buried in Westminster Abbey?
7) In China they hang many criminals, but they will not hang a man with a wooden leg. Why?
8.) Why do storks stand on one leg?
9) A circular field is covered with snow. A black cow with white spots is in the middle. Two white cows with black spots are at the edge of the field. What time is it?
10) What was the problem with the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?

Luck of the draw I guess.

2008-05-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

There are those of us that believe its luck. There are those of us that believe its hard work. For me, life is a crap-shoot. Fuck the roll of the dice and make believe your story with a happy ending. That way the trip to hell won't seem so dreary. I can't believe I can't turn left yet. Or better yet I just won't. I'll take three rights. Forgive me for hanging on to a memory. I wanted to grow up. She wanted to be a Toys-R-Us kid. I said my bologna has a first name and its Oscar-Peace-the-Fuck-Out. But I think I left my happy thoughts in my other pants pocket.
Look its all just a con. Not a game. No. Its a con. Who can syncopate the rhythm to the rhyme. And right now my ear is stuck to the grind.

The good, the bad and the ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

If you give a dog a bone.

2008-05-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

My dog started digging my back yard and discovered an ancient burial site. The little bugar dragged a T-Rex thigh out from his little whole.

I am monstrous. I am all that is DOG!!! rawr!

It is also someone's birthday who is very special to me. Happy birthday Kim. I wish I had today off to help you celebrate even more.

Disheartening

2008-04-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am found without hope. Every path has it's end and every word has it's meaning. I forget why I even left. Only I haven't forgotten. I just can't seem to let it go. It's times like this when my faith is truly questioned. My faith has no God. Only the truth of existence. To create, to imagine, to be free. To find what we are looking for is only the beginning. We are capable of so much and yet somehow so little is recognized. Too few understand. How to spread such understanding and acceptance. Perhaps that is why we pursue religion. I personally cannot find organized religion. I have sought it in many different directions. Only in music have I found such solace. Only in music have I found such profound meaning. And yet I haven't the courage to spread my own wings. When you know what you are destined for and yet somehow what we want is something so much simpler. Someone taught me something new. Helped me realize how simply cookie cutter houses can be so attractive. Then I woke up from my raining dreams. Well in truth it was only dodgy rain, on and off, partly cloudy. And how is this disheartening? I'm off to the beach. You should come with.

Heartening

2008-04-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

I found this moment heartening. I wanted the kids expression but the dad kept moving. Candid photography can be so much fun. I'm still bitter. And I still can't believe these words. Everyone is starting to look the same. Everything is starting to feel stale. I feel like I have spent too much time contemplating and not enough time executing.

Real Eyes

2008-04-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

A storm is coming. It's been brewing for the past several years. I believe I have prepared myself mentally for the coming trial but I fear I have left so much behind for the mere selfish reason of self preservation. I sincerely hope I have not left you behind. I sincerely hope I do not simply leave you in the dust. The sheer gravity of such a mistake might put me over the edge. As I slowly become more and more disappointed with mankind I realize I can not but despair. Bleeding from the depths of where I come from is death. Few recognize the gift of life and yet I have such little respect for those who decide to throw it away. To stand up and fight for what is right is no longer an honor or a privilege it becomes the right of way. Move bitch get out the way. Can you smell what the Rock is cookin? You are too stupid to know. Habitually snared to the past and forever set on the future. A combination equal to the answer of life, the universe and everything. If you know the solution please reiterate it to me and explain.

Loss for words.

2008-04-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to. -Chuang Tzu

Genuine King

2008-04-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I was admiring a view the other day. One depth-less in emeralds. Then I was distracted by a sound. One recalling memories I fear I can't dispel. Then I became assailed with a scent. One I crave indiscriminately at the risk of my health. This is why I will drink another beer in celebration of life. When you mean the world to me, I can not but let you go.

This pic is me at my worst and him at his best. It has come to my attention that giving every last is no longer the way of receiving anything at all.

"There are sheep and there are wolves. And me? I'm a wolf..."
X

We have always been wolves my brothers and I. I have simply chosen not to eat meat. I sincerely hope my brothers choose their own path. For some strange reason my diet doesn't feel so healthy and my example has much to show for it. I have lost my passion and my muse. Do all ancient souls feel this way? When you have done it once have you done it all before? A sparkle has caught my attention. What has caught yours?

Important men

2008-03-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

1. A Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. A Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. A Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. A Beautician - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you will love it!"

6. A Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. And most important...
A Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

You have two cows...

2008-03-20T01:04:00.000-07:00

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Three proofs of Jesus...

2008-03-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A REDNECK:
1. He was always talking to sleazy women
2. He was always hanging around his buddies telling fish stories
3. Everybody crucified him

Bring me my beer

2008-03-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

Beer Quotes by Notables ...
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Steven Wright on dogs

2008-03-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd

How Appropriate this word.

2008-03-20T01:00:00.005-07:00

The poetic word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!
I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I'm fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn't fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."
It can be political -- "Fuck Bush!"

Women should read this.

2008-02-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

Tips for Women
Question: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
Answer: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Answer: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.
Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Answer: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.
You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him, and cook him a delicious meal.

Question: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Answer: You are a bad person for bringing it up, and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand, with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should- he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband always has an orgasm, rolls over and goes to sleep, never giving me one.
Answer: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

New Holiday - March 20th ...
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

Dear Mr. Bush

2008-02-19T01:00:00.001-08:00

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Happy Belated Best Buddy

2008-02-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love".

Neil Gaiman

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

This was a Super week. Super Bowl on Sunday followed by Super Tuesday. If you had a baby this last week, it will grow up to be a Supermodel... or work in a Supermarket. Either way you'll save on food.

http://www.banksy.co.uk

pretty in peace

2008-01-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

strength in peace
dodger arcs his back
cold feet brisk

She will be mine

2008-01-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. Why do the gorgeous ones have to be so fuckin dumb? Anyone? Anyone? Who throws a turkey? Honestly?

"Love is much like a wild rose; beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense". Mark A. Overby

Useful Sex Statistics
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:

A 1/4 Aussie, 1/4 Latino, 1/4 Black, 1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn't be too hard to get.

Happy hunting.

I almost called ...

2008-01-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

I almost called but then I thought better. God I want you and then I thought better. You are so beautiful. I want no more than to satisfy my hunger and take you. In the men's room because that would be most appropriate. I think I love you. It's a shame I can't tell the difference. Little can you realize that's what I live for. I will kill for you and I already have. Lol. If only you knew. I came close to calling because I am jealous of the couple I noticed in front of me so in love. I am ashamed. It will never happen again. Inebriation gets the better of me and I couldn't feel happier about myself. If only I could type. I miss you. God you are gorgeous. I miss you... And then I thought better.

The Perfect Day

2008-01-05T01:01:00.000-08:00

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;
open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend´s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

and

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

If Men Ruled the World...

2008-01-05T01:00:00.001-08:00

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get ´em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get
the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full
tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation.

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year

2008-01-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

"Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for His grace." Joshua Harris

Definitions
ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.

BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.

CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.

DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.

ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.

PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience

PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.

INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.

MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.

NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.

TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.

INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee's legs.

EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.

HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.

IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.

INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".

ADULT SEX QUIZ
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

---
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A.) So men can be open minded.

---
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?

A.) 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

---
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

---
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

---
Q.) Four words to ruin a man's ego...

A.) "Is it in YET ?"

---
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A.) One of his fingers is clean.

---
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

---
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

The perfect wife
A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn´t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
- "Honey, I´ll be right back."

- "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

- "I´m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I´m going to have a beer."

The wife said:
- "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn´t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
- "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn´t get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying:
- "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
- "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d´oeuvres that are really delicious... I won´t be long. I´ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

- "You want hors d´oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d´oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

- "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there´s swearing, dirty words and all that..."

- "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR #$%@ING HORS D´OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN´T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" .

Woolie

2007-12-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy; even love unreturned has its rainbow." Eaton Stannard Barret

"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." Thomas Fuller

"Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favouring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy." Marguerite De Valois

"If you open your heart, love opens your mind." Charles John Quarto, Eric Lowen, Dan

Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

How to improve at work

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you......

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it...and have a nice day at work

I seek freedom.

2007-12-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

I still miss you. Why I wonder? I seek freedom. Perhaps I am simply that selfish. Thankful, grateful, wishing for at least forgetful. Or some comfort. Debt free America here I come. For freedom I have found!

"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Robert Orben

Taxes

2007-12-08T01:00:00.001-08:00

Interesting. Except I have no one to blame but myself for not exercising my rights because I am too lazy.

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division...

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D). is presently asking the Congress for
$250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you
each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family
gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes are the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers,

Tax him more,

Tax him until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

"Taxes drove me to my doom!"

And when he's gone,

We won't relax,

We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle

class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to “press 1” for English.

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times

What the heck happened????? Could it be corruption???

Day of Long Riding

2007-12-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

"True love is rare, so when you find it don't let it go just because of a barrier you can't cross". Ray H Wall

"If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings." Lisa Moriyama

"Absence is to love What wind is to fire; It extinguishes the small, It enkindles the great." Anonymous

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King

"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness." Ellen Goodman

"If you open your heart, love opens your mind." Charles John Quarto, Eric Lowen, Dan

"All the ill that is in us comes from fear, and all the good from love". Eleanor Farjeon

"Love dies only when growth stops." Pearl S. Buck

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost

"Love and eggs are best when they are fresh". Russian proverb

"The power of a glance... It is in this way that love begins, and in this way only... Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark." Victor Hugo

"You are beautiful...when you let friends have their space, when you believe, when you laugh, or are moved to tears, when you let it just roll right off your back, when you talk about your dreams, when you help a turtle across the road, when you try to do the right thing even when it comes out wrong, when you love." Anonymous

Happy Holidays Minus Pumpkin Pie

2007-12-03T01:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I have never liked pumpkin pie and I don't think I ever will anymore. Spent a weekend off down for the count. Never again. Never again. I feel stupid trying to keep in touch with you. I thought you were something different. Something special. And you are.

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, Deep-burning and unquenchable." Bruce Lee

"Age does not protect us from love, But love to some extent protects us from age."

"Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else." Anonymous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about
their professions...

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?"

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc"

So I lied.

2007-11-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

The Five Precepts are: 1. Abstain from taking life, 2. Abstain from taking that which is not given, 3. Abstain from misconduct done in lust, 4. Abstain from lying, 5. Abstain from all forms of intoxication. ...

"Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman, but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man. "

Last bunch I swear.

2007-11-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." Emil Ludwig

"The more you judge, the less you love. Anonymous

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important." Lisa Hoffman

"Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit". Guy Debord

Famous Last Words

2007-11-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

"No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age."

I cannot stand that my hope is left at the door every morning. Only to return to it gleaming with joy. What disappointment will you throw at me today I wonder? Too many reminders and too little room to stretch my arms. It is without sympathy I deteriorate so quickly. Without freedom I have no choice but to reclaim it.

I can't but I have...

2007-11-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

"My mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment- upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses". John Keats (Letters to Fanny)

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose." Rob Cella

"The hottest love has the coldest end." Socrates

Forget it

2007-11-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."

Sir Hugh Walpole

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners & change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak & hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us".

Narrator in The Wonder Years (1988)

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.... And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love".

Paul of Tarsus, 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 (New King James Version) and an alternative "take":

"And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit, And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching."

Kahlil Gibran

All Hallows Eve?

2007-10-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha...

It's nice to finally see you angry at me. It tells me you actually feel hurt and that you care. I am flattered. However if you want to get technical about the dog it was my understanding that you couldn't have the dog. Which is why you had to get rid of it. If it's the money you are after just say the word and I'll buy Dodger out right. The reason I want to talk to you about it is because I would rather communicate with you than start a text war like my favorite evening of all time. I guess you are just gonna have to grow up like the rest of us and learn to deal until you can talk to me. I am all ears. You are always welcome to visit him whenever you like. In the mean time I would like a martini with some friends. Anyone care to join me? Even you.

All Hallows Eve? I am there.

Its been a long month

2007-10-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have never really noticed, for myself at least, that life happens gradually. It happens almost instantly. It's in that instant that I have failed to quickly enough recognize the opportunity and successfully act upon it. I am getting better but for too long I have simply dwelt on all the different scenarios. I feel like I take too long sitting back and examining and understanding and too little time making my decision. Some of us get so lucky and find what we are looking for young. I found you and I let you go. For an instant I experienced the life of my dreams with you and I thank you for the time we spent together. With the many significant events that have occurred in my life of late I can only hope I will be so lucky to find you again. I am just so disappointed that we no longer communicate. It has been a long past few months. My heart goes out to my friends and family in need right now. Fire is not so much fun sometimes.

I am only too excited for my Mammoth trip in December. This picture is a June Mountain trail. Perhaps I'll get to ride that trail again on this trip. I can't wait. I took this picture a while ago which I have posted to help remind me of what I still have to look forward to. God I sound like a selfish fuck. Meh.. lol.

I'll Ride w/You On The Other Side

2007-09-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

I learned that a young man died in a motorcycle accident today. An extremely intelligent kid not too many years younger than I am. He was lightning fast on his skis as he was with many, if not all other aspects of his life. I watched him straight-line the face of Mammoth one time. This photo was taken just before this feat. Granted he did wipe out after he went over a small jump at the bottom but suffice to say he was not afraid to go fast. Thank you for reminding me life is too short to stand still for too long. I should not be the one to outlive such a bright young future but I feel both privileged and honored to carry his memory forward. I will ride with you on the other side.

~ RIP Greg

Click here for a link to the article in the local Arizona Daily Courier.
Download Now a PDF copy. The file name starts with Greg Muff.

Every working day

2007-09-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

I just want to share that every morning I wake up I get to wake my little puppers and throw him outside to start our day. Then I go to work, put in my hours to pay the bills and come home to him super excited to see me because I work too much. Then we get to play outdoors or with friends. But with the way the weather has been lately I am honestly beginning to worry about the more immediate effects of global warming and the effects the weather is having on our ability to enjoy the outdoors. I believe that while hybrid technology might not necessarily be the answer I think it certainly is a step in the right direction. Go buy a hybrid vehicle. Better yet, buy an electric vehicle. Support the cost and the idea that research and development on alternative fuels is worth the attention of big business RIGHT NOW. Look into the "War on Iraq". Look into world and local weather reports. Look into the endangered species list. Look closer at your every working day and tell me how comfortable you feel in your working environment.

Every Woman

2007-09-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

Another SpaceSpam but I just wanna say I agree.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Sleepy Sunday

2007-09-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

Goodnight. Peace out. Dodger has spoken.

On a much happier note...

2007-09-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

Damn I miss you.

"I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come". John Harrigan

SES Dispute at Valencia Skate Park

2007-09-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

I attended a Smile Empty Soul show today and witnessed an altercation between four men today. I remember very clearly what I saw, heard and did NOT see. I wanted to make a written record of the incident somewhere in case I needed it. I left my card with Mari. The police were not there when I left.

I was sitting with Mari at the merch tent when John and Tod approached and proceeded to examine the CD's for sale. John quickly grabbed one and swiftly walked away with Tod close behind. After realizing John and Tod had no intention of paying for the CD I informed Mari and Glen that they had taken a CD. Glen quickly went after John and Tod to stop them from stealing the CD and caught up to them in the parking lot. I then saw a pushing match between Tod, Glen and John and moved at the request of Mari to intervene. Her and I were watching from the merch tent. I approached the three men in the parking lot, John and Tod clearly arguing over ownership of the music on the CD to Glen. Glen was trying to talk to John and NOT Tod while Tod continued to verbally and by physical proximity instigate a physical reaction out of Glen. They came to a calm point when Tod and John had returned the stolen CD to Glen. As John and Tod proceeded to leave both John and Tod continued to verbally assault Glen. Tod, getting physically close enough to Glen to retake the CD, takes the CD from Glen and gets into another pushing match with Glen. Tod throws the CD across the parking lot and continues to instigate a physical reaction from Glen verbally and physically. I see Glen throw a punch causing Tod to fall to the ground. I see Tod trying to get up and retaliate. As the tustle continues Ryan runs up and forcibly removes Tod from the fight. It was clear that Ryan was not there to fight but there to protect his dad. Ryan and Glen proceed to back away from the situation and take off to the nearest hospital because Glen is bleeding around the eye.

Some clarity to my day...

2007-09-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

"How blessed I am that I can walk beside you, lean upon you, and live within the warmth of your love." -Roy Lessin

"Your task is not to seek for love, But merely to seek and find All the barriers within yourself That you have built against it." Rumi

"There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning." Vincent Van Gogh

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
- Confucius

I miss you.

Food For Thought

2007-09-10T01:00:00.001-07:00

A friend spaced me this. I am pretty sure I have read it before but I wanted to record it somewhere for myself and/or for someone else to read:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things in life. Your family, your children, your health, your beliefs, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the garbage disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Dodger

2007-07-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Realization is a great thing. Unfortunately sometimes it hits and it hits hard. What I want and what I get. They are not always the same. For now I got just what I need. Dodger. Until then I am

'Drinking for eleven that's just what I do. When I'm not with you, my heart goes to bed. End of the bar, that's just where I'll be. Don't try and come find me cause I'm already dead.'
Drinking for 11
The Mad Caddies

I am so excited again to be going somewhere and to be learning. It will be nice to find you along the way. I miss you so.