failure to launch

deeply seeded fears constantly manifest themselves in our lives. i have let my fear and insecurity rule over me for so long i thought it was the way of things. maybe it is the way of things. to be ruled by fear and insecurity. i refuse to live this way anymore. i have made unforgivable errors in judgment. and no matter what i do now will only bring about more discomfort and pain. in order to face my fear i have to stand proud before it and let the world see it. even if no one is looking. even if she isn't looking.
an exciting moment happened in my life. someone close to me is gonna get married. i am so happy for her. secretly i envy her because i want that same joy for myself. it seems unlikely now i'll find it with someone even closer to my heart. unforgivable errors in judgment will forever haunt us both.
i'm still determined to show you jenn, i love you. even if it means we do not work out in the end. you will still know.
i am so hurt. i have never told you i have found a connection anywhere close to ours. yet you have admitted to me that you have found a connection with someone else that was possibly better. you argue that you waited months before you slept with all three of them. i waited months before i attempted to move on with one person, the destroyer. it was my fault for withholding the whole truth from you. i tried to communicate with you but the words i speak always and invariably hurt you. i'm learning to speak your language but i simply will not learn it fast enough for you. and i feel you lack any interest in learning mine.