some mornings i wake up

some mornings i wake up and i wonder why it has to start with a phone call from a woman that supposedly loves me, telling me how much she's angry with me for NOT calling her the night before. for NOT taking the initiative to tell her i'm home safe and i'm going to bed. for NOT spending time with her when we had previously discussed the day before that there was clearly something wrong and she didn't want to talk about it. and now that she's ready to talk about it, it's too late. because i didn't answer my phone while i was passed out. then she finds a perfectly logical explanation to throw in my face, telling me it's my fault i decided to drink for a month straight because i couldn't bare the pain of having her left me to another country because according to her, she couldn't forgive herself for what she had done to me. because i was being an asshole. because i don't wake up every single day wanting to spend every single moment with her and simply doing what ever it takes just to be with her. because for some strange reason, i calm her down. because for some strange reason, not only do i calm her down, i cause her the opposite effect. i enrage her with my blatant selfish nature. to want to spend time with my family. my family flawed or not, they are my family and i will help them to grow and to make something of themselves. i cannot force anyone to be what i want them to be but i sure as hell can inspire them and encourage them to be positive contributors to society and most importantly positive contributors to our family. family is the most important aspect of life to me. i am nothing with my family. my family has made me who i am today. my friends have helped shape me. and i simply want you to be a part of my growth. only you seem to want only me. it is my understanding that in marriage we take on each other. our families merge and become one. some manage to get along great and the two families learn and/or live cohesively. i fear ours will never see eye to eye. you see my brothers as a failure in life. you see them as saying fuck you to my parents. and you see my parents too laid back and incapable of exacting discipline. you have no respect for my family and our values. you have no respect for my own. you take pills to mask your insecurity instead of confronting them. i used to drink to celebrate with my friends. to unwind and have simple and fun conversations. to interact with people of interest with different perspectives in life, to learn a new point of view and perhaps to add to my own collective knowledge of how better to navigate this world. you're only mindset ever leads to the same conclusion. spend every single living moment with your partner. regardless of the consequences. and when you aren't spending time with your significant other, you grow anxious, angry, and distraught with your inability to control the universe around you. you pop another pill so you won't have to confront the hurt before you. i know. i consumed alcohol in the same way. alcohol helps me forget the pain. alcohol helps me forget. but sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it just makes things worse. i shut down people around me. i mistreat the ones i love. i mistreat myself. i have no desire to enact ill will toward anyone. even in my drunken stupor. i just wish to forget the pain that i have inflicted on others and myself.

last night's conversation with my brothers was quite enlightening. i have no desire to wish or act malevolently toward anyone. i don't have it in me. but when a specific person came into the foray, i wished every ounce of my frustration to let loose on him. to make him feel the physical pain i have felt emotionally. whether it was his fault or not, i had chosen him. had he been present i doubt there could have been words of reason that could quell my thirst for blood. i don't believe i have it in me to kill another human being unless i truly believed he/she was pure evil and it came down to him/her or me surviving. that is the natural order of things. to take a life, is to give up one's life for the other. this is what i believe. marriage is not unlike this same principal. to give up one's life for another. i don't know if i am ready. i but i know who i want to be ready for you. and i want to keep working for it.

consumed in flame

i'm so sorry.
sometimes the only thing you can do with a raging wildfire is watch it burn. it's too hot to clear fire lines. no amount of water will squelch the flames. and the unrelenting wind refuses to surrender it's harrowing howl.
i love you she said.

i've already burned alive he said.
she couldn't hear him. she loved him too much.

his finale.

thanks. maybe i'll listen to yours and my own logic instead of listening to the gaping fucking void where once my heart used to reside. because i've already burned it to ash in the flames of my descent into my own personal hell. i'm truly sorry for dragging you down with me. self sacrifice looks real promising right now. at least then you can find a real man. someone who won't treat you so wretchedly as i've treated you. someone worthy of your love. a drink sounds real promising right now. that and a knife to the gut. simple thrust and movement first to the left and if i can bare it, a tug to the right. i rsvp'd the invitation myself. time to show up fashionably late to the party.

it's really really really difficult to come back from there alone. i usually have to find myself at the bottom of the bottle before i realize i need to pull myself back out. you helped me put the bottle down before i got started.

First Night sober

Just wanted to note my first night sober in a month. I hope it isn't the last. Maybe I can finally start to be okay with the decisions we made.

... didn't last long did it? I know I'll pull through. I have already started to. I believe in me.

Sobriety is overrated!

One day I will sober up. One day I will love again. I pray one day I will let you go. One day.. I will sober up. I hope my liver gives out so I can continue to be happy. Otherwise I fear I may kill myself. Cheers. To giving up on my dreams. To giving up on myself. I guess I'll learn just how far my body will take me. Maybe I'll find rest tonight. Maybe I'll get sober.
Who am I kidding? I'm a drinker. That's what I do.

Is it possible?

Is it possible I was only weeping for the coming sacrifice? For knowing I let go of the greatest pleasure in my known universe. I would. I would give us up. Only with the knowledge that it only gets better. I promised it only gets better. It only ever has gotten better with you. I have hoped my promise might come true. For selfish reasons alone. I wish I was not selfish. It hurts too much.
I no longer wish to be vindicated by you. I have no more desire to be defined by your ideals. Mine are just as valid. And if I am proven poorly, let me be the first to acknowledge my error. I love you so much it hurts. I loved K unconditionally. Unbeknownst to her, it is my fault. Letting her go is the most selfless act of love I know.
Everyone knows I'm an alcoholic. Only no one is brave enough to tell me. Because I'm only friends with other alcoholics, it is difficult to see the difference. I sneak back to my room, my vault of safety. The lock that keeps it is hardly basic with little inherent privacy. My room of solidarity is unkempt. My Bed. Our bed. The place where I once made love to a goddess. She no longer lingers here. She's found better more nutritious gardens. Mine is desolate, poorly maintained, and frought with drought. Except water of the poisoning kind.
I miss you so much. I keep trying to drink the pain away. I spent the pain once and I ended up even more unhappy. Perhaps I'll expend less this time. Perhaps I'll find salvation. A pity I don't believe in salvation anymore.

how many bottles this time

so much hurt. so little forgiveness. no matter how many times i run over us in our head, no matter how many angles i remember, much leads to our failure. and now the words have left me as usual.
And they return in drunken stupor. so much fury and so little hate.

I suspect by your inability to respond to me that you've successfully blocked me from most aspects of your life. I wonder if you're thinking it'll just be easier this way. No contact. No desire. No fighting. No pain. I've been sick the last two days. I haven't left the house since I came home last Tue. I miss you more than you want to know. Perhaps you're ignoring me because you've finally decided to move on. I am not giving up. I am still going to try and live up to the man you always wanted me to be.

it's fine. you don't have to take any choco taco crap. cookie monster is moving on. so can you. i'm devastated for myself. i'm happy for you.